Tuesdays Thoughts

Hey there ladies!! Just wanted to stop by and tell all of you THANKS for all of the warm and caring comments you all left regarding my job. Things have been a little bit better. My supervisor has been trying to be nice lately, even though I am 110% sure it is more for other's benefit than mine. But heck, I will take what I can get!! LOL!!

I have decided that I am going to start looking for something else. Which, I am nervous about but I think it is a choice I need to make. Granted, I don't know how I feel about giving up my 4 weeks of vacation, etc. But sometimes, your happiness is worth it.

It still amazes me how many double standards there are out in the corporate world. As some of you may know, I work downtown St. Louis and with the All Star Game being held in St. Louis this year, things around my work building have been absolutely CRAZY the past few days. But it is funny that "the supervisor" has "snuck out" of work everyday this week so him and "the girlfriend" can join in all of the All Star festivities but yet nothing was said to him but yet we all have had to stay until our normal times and then sit in traffic for an hour more than normal.

Oh well, I have been doing so much "soul searching" the past few weeks and I have decided that I am not going to be negative anymore. That place is not worth my health. And ever since the other week, I have felt this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. And I have decided that I need to just start enjoying my life. That I am going to start trying to have a more positive attitude and not dwell on the negative.

Do any of you ever feel this way? That you are letting the negative things in life bring you down entirely too much? And if so, what do you do to stop yourself and start seeing the good in life?

Calgon Take Me Away!! Advice Needed....(again)!!

OH.MY.GOODNESS, girls!! Where to start!?!? So, much has happened since I last posted. I have done a little tweaking in the house, we finished the Koi pond and we had a Graduation party for "Miss Priss". Which I will be showing pics of all later. But this post is to vent, or maybe get some advice...not quite sure which.

Let me just start about two days ago when I was called into a meeting with my immediate supervisor, who let's just say is a complete JERK!!!!! I am not even exaggerating....let me put it this way, this is a man who was recently caught having an affair with his wife's best friend and who he has since left the wife (and two children I might add) for!! Not to mention who actually went on a family vacation with his family and the wife's best friend's family all the while the two of them were having an affair!!

Needless to say, this man has absolutely NO respect for woman...NONE whats so ever!! So, during our meeting he started getting very disrespectful towards me for no apparent reason, so I LOST it!!! I have worked for this company for 12 years and I have been in this same department for 11 of those 12. And I have NEVER been so mad. I actually told him that I QUIT and I walked out!! I got to my desk threw my security pass on my desk and told my co-workers that I QUIT!!

Of course, as soon as I got the parking garage and in my car I started BALLING!! I knew that I had made a major mistake but at the same time felt a great sense of relief! Not that I am the type of person to have ever done that but between work and home I guess I was at a major breaking point! As you are all aware of, my job is a HUGE source of my stress!! And my supervisor totally disrespecting me was the straw that broke the camel's back!!

The rest of that afternoon and evening I received several phone calls from co-workers, etc. asking me to reconsider and to come back. So, I did. Even after "Big Daddy" suggested that I take a month or two off of work and then try to look for something else. That he knew my job made me very unhappy lately and that he would support my decision 110%

Anyway, I went in yesterday and had a "formal" sit down with the immediate supervisor and both of our manager per their request. And let me say, it did not go well at all. Our manager was very compassionate and understanding but my supervisor was a complete A%$ He was actually yelling at me so loud that most of my co-workers heard and we were behind closed doors. But yet, I was the one that got a written warning for MY behavior (basically walking out the day before).

I will admit that I got so upset that I probably said a few things that I shouldn't of but I had had enough. But the way I see it, I am a human being and no matter if you are my friend, boss, etc. I still think you should show me some respect. And I will do the same....

Anyway, I guess this is where the advice comes in...I still have my job (thank goodness) but at the moment, I feel like I have very little self pride because I did go back!! So, if you all were in my shoes, would you tuck your tail between your legs, stay and just be thankful you have a job in these trying times?!?!? Or would you decide that your stress level, happiness and self-pride was more important and start to look for something else?!?!?

A Milestone...Oh, And A Thank You!!

Thank you everybody for the advice on yesterdays post. I opted not to buy the Prim decor from that lady. She would not budge on the price at all, so I decided not to do it. Which is fine, I was kind of hesitate about spending that kind of $$$ anyway. Especially, with the economy being the way it is. I figured there was more important things I could do with that kind of $$$...like feed my family!! LOL!! But I do appreciate ALL of your advice. I was leaning towards that way anyway but being the girl I am, I still need that reassurance. Even if I am almost 40!! LOL!!

Today is a bittersweet day for me....it is my daughter's High School Graduation!! Gosh, where does that time go!?!? It is bittersweet because I am SOOO happy for her. She is such a wonderful young woman and this is just the next step in her journey. But as a Mother, it breaks my heart to think my babies are no longer babies!! Wasn't it was just yesterday that she was 4 and EJ (AKA "Muscles") was 2 and they were still playing with Barbies and Legos?!?!? And in their eyes, my husband and I were still "cool"!!

You know thru the years I heard over and over "how fast that they will grow up!!" and "savor EVERY moment!!". And trust me I did...BUT gosh, the time went by SOOOO much faster than I thought!! UGGHHH!!

Ok, I better stop before I cry. I am posting from work (which I NEVER do) and I have already had to stop myself from crying SEVERAL times. SERIOUSLY!! I know I am SUCH a baby!! LOL!!

But I hope you all have a GREAT day!! And I will try to stop by later and post some pics.

Hugs!! Carrie

Feeling Blue...

Hi there!! I debated on posting this today for the fear of sounding like a broken record. But then I decided, that I need to just keep things real on this blog and be myself. And pray that you all love me just the same!! LOL!! Lately, I am not feeling it. I know that the other day I posted about how I just don't feel like there is enough time in the day, etc. And how whenever I am at work, I worry about home and vice versus. Well, it's not getting any better!! It is so bad that I called into work sick today just so I could try to gather my composure. I am sure some of my mood today is PMS but I just can't shake this feeling of inadequatecy.


I am not sure if mentioned it or not but I work for a Bank...a VERY large bank. Which, in turns means a VERY political Bank. One that at the moment is VERY stressful to work for. Well, a few months back our "big" boss was let go due to "cut backs" and let's just say he was our security blanket. He was in charge of several different sites throughout the country (probably managed well over 400 associates) and with him being based out of our site, somehow made us feel 'safe'. If there is such a thing...


Well, now with him being gone. They have placed somebody new over our department. And from what all of our bosses have said....that security blanket is now gone. Supposedly, she is really busting our managers chops over EVERYTHING!!! Rumor has it, she was placed over us to start 'weeding' people out. So the pressure is REALLY on!! And as the saying goes, it rolls downhill. So, guess it is really getting it!?!?! YEP!! Starting next week, we have to help get another department get "caught up" and meeting their goals. All the while, not meeting ours. But their solution is coming in on the weekends!! Are you freakin' kidding me!?!?!? I am there 10 hours a day M-F the way it is. And my weekends are even more hectic then my week days with grocery shopping, errands, catching up housework, etc. the way it is. Not only that, but what about my FAMILY!?!?!?!? But since we were pretty much told...do it or find another job. And like that is really going to happen with the economy the was it is...what choice do I have...really!?!?! UGGHHHH!!! Only if I could quit!!!!!!!!

So, on top of all of this pressure of work and the fear of losing jobs. I have the everyday pressures of being a working Mom of two teens and trying to stay on top of homework, housework, running errands, etc. And at the same time "Miss Priss" is supposed to be going to college this coming Fall. Well, months ago when all was fine and there was no fear of losing my job we promised her she could go to an University about an hour away and live in the dorm. But now, "Big Daddy" and I are considering just sending her to the local community college to get her generals out of the way and then letting her transferring (hopefully the economy will be MUCH better by then). But as we tried to talk to her about this last night, she got upset...VERY upset. So, one again I feel like a failure!!


Let's see...so far I am feeling like a failure at work and as a Mother. Now what...oh yeah, did I mention my house is a mess!?!? So, add housekeeper to that list!!


I know I am just being a whinny baby. And you all maybe thinking if I am so worried about my job, why did I call in?!?!? Or if the house is a mess, why am I blogging!?!?! I know me too...I can't explain it. All I know is I needed a "ME" day so bad!! And blogging, totally relaxes me. Helps me escape for 5 mins and totally unwind. Until, I get off the computer and reality hits me in the face. All I do know is that I am at a real crossroads. I have all of these hats to wear....an employee, a Mom, a wife, etc. And I feel like I am just barely scooting by lately at all of them.


I do feel a little bit better. "Big Daddy" came home for lunch. Something he never does...I think he is worried. I am not normally like this. Normally, I am the Queen of list and organization. So, for me to feel this overwhelemed with work and home...he knows something is up!! Anyway, while he was here we talked. And he told me not to think about everything all at the same time. To "baby step" thru it. To just take it as it is thrown at me. But when you feel that it is all being thrown at you at the same time...how do you manage all of it!?!?!?

Too much to do and.....

First of all, I just wanted to thank you girls for all the sweet comments on yesterdays post. "Miss Priss" had the time of her life. She said it was exactly how she wished it would be. Even though, I get teared up at the thought of her having a "serious" boyfriend. I have to admit the BF is very sweet to her!! And she had a good time, so that is all that matters!!

She even said that while at dinner she had a Mom come up to her and ask her if she could give her daughter an autograph. I guess there was a little girl at the restaurant that thought Katelyn was a REAL Princess!! LOL!! Needless to say, she gave the autograph and was VERY flattered!!

As I am typing this, I am at work. And I NEVER post from work but at the moment I need to vent. I am feeling very overwhelmed at the moment. UGGHHH!!! Do you all ever feel like you have too much to do and not enough time to do it all!?!?! Well, that is EXACTLY how I am feeling today.

Being a Mom that works outside of the home, I constantly feel like there is not enough time in the day. When I am here at work, I worry about home and vice versus. And with so much happening right now, I feel like I am drowning. With the kids upcoming activites (Prom, Math competition, Graduation, Graduation party to plan, etc.) and trying to go camping to get our $$$ worth with the camper we just bought, work, housework, a Bunco night that I am supposed to be hosting, etc. Oh yeah, and a upcoming yardsale we are having I am OVERWHELMED!! And my housework is definitely suffering. I even made a "chore list" to try to stay on top of the cleaning, laundry, etc. but I still feel like I am not doing something right.

I wish I could spend sometime crafting and decorating but lately I am lucky if we all have clean socks (much less unmatched socks...LOL!!)to wear!! LOL!!

Take this weekend for instance, Saturday was spent all day running for Prom, Sunday we cleaned out the attic to get things ready for the upcoming yardsale. And before I knew it my alarm clock was going off at 5:15am this morning and another work week was beginning.

I know it will all calm down soon, but I just wish I had some breathing room...or better yet, a "ME" day!!

Awww....Calgon take me away!! LOL!! Only if it was the easy!!

So, I ask this...what is your "secrets"? How do you all find the balance between work and home? How do you all make sure that you devote all the QT to your family as you should but yet still have the time to blog, craft, etc.?

Snowed In!?!?!?

This is what is going on outside as I type. Snow, snow and more snow!! And it is OK by me. Normally, I would welcome snow only on the weekends. Praying that it doesn't come during the work week and that I don't have to drive in the mess during rush hour traffic on my commute to work. But since I took a vacation day tomorrow, I am all for the snow. The more the better!!

The way I see it, being snowed in will give me (and hopefully the kids too) the excuse to stay home tomorrow, spend some together and just hang out!!

I seriously don't know what has been up with me lately. It just seems like it has been getting harder and harder to get up and go to work each morning. And all I can think about it how I wish I could be a stay at home Mom. And not have to work outside of the home. But as some of you may know, that just isn't possible at the moment. You see, about 6 years ago my husband got injured at work. His leg was broken and his ankle crushed.

Since then, he has endured 16 surgeries, with more to come. But about 3-4 months ago he was finally released from the doctor to go back to work after being home on Workmen's Compensation and Disabilty for almost 6 years. A LONG time!! And even though, this has been a huge blessing, "Big Daddy" and myself both know that this may be short-lived and the reality of his leg not holding up is a big possibilty!!

So the idea of me quiting my job and staying home is just not going to happen anytime soon. Not to mention the fact that I do have a decent job, especially in these trying economic times. So I really should be appreciative!! But I still can't help but to wish that I could stay home and take care of my family the way they really should be.

Not saying that us working Mom's can't take care of our families properly. But as all of us Moms know, whether we work outside of the home or within, taking care of our families can be both physically and emotionally tiring. Not that it isn't worth EVERY moment of it but sometimes I just wish I had the time and energy to give my home and family 110% that they deserve instead of worrying about work while I am at home and vice versa. Does this make sense? Or am I just a rambling mess?

Anyway, for all of you Moms that may or not be snowed in within the next couple days. Make some cocoa, snuggle up to a kid or two and savor those moments. And just remember, we are all in this together!!

Hugs!! Carrie♥

Hakuna Matata.....

Hakuna Matata!
What a wonderful phrase
Hakuna Matata!
Ain't no passing craze

It means no worries
For the rest of your days
It's our problem-free philosophy
Hakuna Matata!

You would think after driving cross country (back in 1994) with my 3 and 1 year old listening to this soundtrack EVERY.SINGLE.SECOND of the trip, this song would be BURNED into my brain FOREVER!!! And whenever I am having a day like I have been for the past few days, I would remember these oh so famous lines and break out into song!!!

***UPDATE - I just wanted to give a quick update to all that commented on my last post. Thanks so much for the encouraging words. I also wanted to let you all know that I am feeling much better today. "Muscles" wasn't able to get into the Orthopedic Surgeon today, not until Wednesday but hopefully we will know more then. And as far as the "issue" at work...nothing more was said today. Granted, my immediate supervisor called in sick today but still our manager was back from vacation and nothing was said, so I am really hoping it all blew over!!***

One, Two, Three Strikes Your Out!!!!!

***WARNING WHINY POST***But ALL comments and advice welcomed!!

Ok, Ok...I PROMISED myself this year was "our year". It is supposed to be my family's year of positive changes. Fresh new starts, fresh new additudes!! So I hate to admit this, but so far I am not convinced it is (or will be). Well, at least not after today....

It started off OK, I guess. A typical work day. But shortly after arriving to work today, I received an email from my boss regarding an error made on my part last week. Of course, I think it is a "silly" error. But WHAT.EVER!!!! An error is an error, none the less!! Of course after he originally asked me about it he started joking with me to "get my boxes ready", etc.

I know he was trying to make light of the situation, but the error was and still is bothering me. I am literally still sitting here (hours later, I might add) with a knot in my stomach. You see, I am not sure who is all aware of the error and I guess I am afraid that management may call me in on it whenever they all get back from vacation on Monday. Of course, my boss said nothing to this effect but being the paranoid loony bird I can be sometimes, I am worried!!

Not that I think I will lose my job but in this day and age you never know. And I have been there to long to try to start over now!! But I think what is really sad about all of this is, that I wish I wouldn't have to work!! And that if or when they call me in on it I could just tell them where to shove their job. You know just like the songs goes...'take this job and shove it!!' I know this doesn't make much sense does it!?!?! I hate my job, but I am afraid to lose it!!

But you see, due to unforseen circumstances (my husband being injured at work and having to be on Workmen's Compensation for almost the past 6 years)I was the only one working up until about 3 months ago. So, I am the sole provider of our family's Medical / Dental insurance...so even though I long EVERYDAY to be a stay at home Mom, it just isn't possible at the moment. So needless to say, I REALLY need my job!! So, please pray for me that this little "mistake" will all blow over!!

There was STRIKE ONE against the new year. Not to big of a deal right!?!?!?

Now on to STRIKE TWO...

So, around 12:00pm I am sitting at my desk trying to recover from STRIKE ONE and my phone rings. It is my my 17 YO daughter "Miss Priss" calling to tell me that she thinks that my 15 YO son "Muscles" has broken his ankle. ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME!?!?!?!? You see, what I left out regarding hubby's "Big Daddy's" accident at work is that he had his ankle and leg crushed at work. So for the last 6 or so years he has endured 16 surgeries (one being a complete ankle fusion) and still needs at least two more (knee replacements) and is still not much better. So of all bones for "Muscles" to break his ankle was the LAST one I wanted to hear!! But guess what....after HOURS in the ER, it is definitely broke and he sees the Orthopetic Surgeon on Monday!!

Yipee...STRIKE TWO!!

So now, as I am sitting here typing this, I have to wonder when will STRIKE THREE happen!! When will the next ball drop!! I just have to wonder no matter how much I pray and try to stay positive...is this really going to be "our year"!?!?!? Because quite frankly, with all of "Big Daddy's" surgeries, the passing of my MIL, the heartache and depression that both of these brought into our home and other obstacles this family has had endure in 2008, I am not sure how much more heartache this family can handle in 2009!!

I know, I know. I can't look at things this way. But it is SO hard sometimes to stay upbeat and positive. Especially when others around you aren't. So in saying all of this...tomorrow is a new day. A day of fresh start, new beginnings. Let's just cross our fingers that it won't include any errors at work (espically since I am off!! LOL!!) or broken ankles!!

Anyway, on a lighter note...tomorrow is my cousin's wedding. Which should be a lot of fun!! But I guess with "Muscles" ankle and "Big Daddy" not feeling well, it will be just me and "Miss Priss" going. A Girl's Night!! Maybe just what the doctored ordered!!

Twas Two Days After Christmas...

Gosh, how times gets away from you this time of year. Sorry, I had meant to get back on here and post before Christmas to send you all my warmest wishes to you and yours.

But with last minute shopping, wrapping, cleaning and cooking (and every else on the infamous list!!) time just got away from me.

So, in saying all of that, I hope you all had a WONDERFUL Christmas!! I know we certainly did. All bellies were full with good food. Fun time was spent with loved ones. And most importantly, all of our hearts were filled with love. The BEST gift, if you ask me.

It is really hard for me to believe that this year is almost over though. So much has happened to our family this past year. Both bad and good. We have not only lost loved ones near and dear to our hearts. We have also overcome certain obstacles.

Over the past few days, I have really been looking back, reflecting over the last year. And I can't help having both feelings of joy and heartache.

I can only hope that 2009 will be a year of peace, health and happiness!!

DIRTY LAUNDRY - WARNING!!!!!....lots of whining going on here!!!!

I am normally not a very negative person. Or one that likes to air all of my "dirty laundry" but considering I don't have many readers, I am sure it is OK to vent to myself! {{{BLUSH}}}

Today has just been one of those days. I am tired. Both physically and mentally. I just feel like here lately nothing I do is good enough. I bust my butt at work, yet I still feel very overwhelmed with the workload that I have. I constantly feel like my inbox is ALWAYS larger then my outbox.

Then I come home and look around at my messy, unorganized house wondering why my house was the only one on the block that got hit by the tornado. Only to find myself feeling overwhelmed once again during my day. Feeling so overwhelmed in fact that I ignore the mess, get online and look at all of your beautifully decorated and clean homes in blogland. Wishing mine was one of them...but feeling absolutely no motivation to do it.

And did I mention I am the Mother of TWO teenagers. A 17 and a 15 year old. I think this is where most of the disappointment within myself is stemming from lately. It just seems that here lately, the relationships between my kids, my husband and myself feels SO strained. And I am not even sure why. I know we are all busy with work and school...but that is NO excuse!! Not to mention this constant worry that I feel that in 10 months our daughter will be leaving for college and I want to make sure our relationship is on solid ground. Even though, I feel anything but that at the moment.

Not that I have terrible teens. They both are GREAT kids!! They both get awesome grades. They are both very responsible (other than around the house). And they both have big hearts (they are just hidden in those teenage egos at the moment). Nor is our relationship "tarnished" at all. I know deep down we all truly love one another but I guess I am feeling sorry for myself because I feel like they want to spend more time with their friends, etc. then with their Father or I. And that hurts.

We both try to do everything we can for them. But at times (especially a lot here lately) we are starting to feel a lack of respect or appreciation from either one of our teens. We are getting smarts mouths and disrespect. I know, I know...their are teenagers!!! BUT how much is too much?? When do you know things are getting too out of hand??

Don't get me wrong ...I LOVE MY KIDS WITH ALL OF MY HEART!!!!!!! I guess I just wish at times , I felt that they loved me back. That sounds really bad doesn't it??

I know I am the Mom. I am the adult. I should be wise enough to know they will someday out grow this...but when!?!?!?! I feel that I have limited time left with them before they leave to go to college, etc. and that I am running out of precious time with them. Does that make sense??

I know I am probably just feeling sorry for myself. Woe is me!! That or I am PMSing!! Honestly, probably a little of BOTH!!!! But I just feel that I have all of this hats to wear...a wife, a Mother, etc. and I am not doing very well at any of them. That I am just "getting by" in all of the roles . And that makes me sad....

But then I sit here and feel bad or guilty for even complaining. I have a job...in this time of economic crisis. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and our children. I have a beautiful home (even though it is a pigsty at the moment) and even though I haven't been feelin' the love. I know that my kids do love me and appreciate me. But somedays, I just need a hug too!!!!!

So with saying all this...I ask all of you Moms. How do you handle all of your roles? How do you balance work and home? Do you ever feel even thru all of your attempts to get your juggling act going, at any moment you are ready to drop one of the balls??

Any advice or suggestions welcome...the way I see it, us Moms have to stick together. Because I don't know about you but I never got the instruction book!! LOL!!

A Season of Change...

As I sit around and think about all of the changes that the Fall brings...

~The color of the leaves

~The cool crispness in the air

~The shorts and t- shirts to jeans and sweaters.

~The jack-o-laterns, the candy and the trick or treaters

~The turkey, the dressing and the pumpkin pies

The most important and the biggest change on my mind has to do with something that that my family has be going thru for almost SIX years. You see, to try to make LONG story short (and to spare you all ALOT of details), my husband got injured (his leg was crushed) at work approximately SIX years ago and has be unable to work since.

During this time he has had to have 16 surgeries , MANY hours of physical therapy and much more pain than one person should have to endure. Not to mention the bouts of depression, etc. (on both of our parts). His due to the feeling of helplessness, etc. Mine to the extra pressures of work and home.

So as hard as it was for our lives to be turned upside down and losing a certain sense of security. I am happy to announce my husband was offically released to go back to work and has been a "working man" again for TWO days. And we couldn't be happier!!

Not that working or having a job defines us as humans. We both know that is much deeper than that. But I think we are just so happy to finally have some "closure" to a "not so happy" time in our and our children's lives.

I just keep praying and trusting that God continues to look out for our family...as I know he will!!

Deep Thoughts...

I am new to the blogging world and I hate to start off my experience on such a serious note. But today is a day of sadness and despair in our home. Last night, we had to have our beloved family pet of 9 years, Nestle, put to sleep. A very hard decision for a family full of animal lovers but one that had to be made. She was a very sick dog and it wasn't fair of us to make her suffer anymore than she needed to just for our own selfish reasons. So the choice was made. Which quite honestly, breaks my heart!!

I know to some it is just a animal, but to us, Nestle is (was) a HUGE part of this family!

Which began the "snowball" of my deep thoughts today. You see, not even 3 months ago my husbands Mother passed away suddenly of a Brain Aneurysm. We were (still are) all VERY devastated!! Not only did my husband lose his Mother and my children lost their Grandma. I lost a very good friend, a confidant....a Mother! There is a empty space in my heart that will never be the same.

Not to mention, the loss of my Grandma that we had just experienced about a year ago. My Grandma was more than a Grandma. She was the matriarch of our family. She was the Mother to 10, a Grandmother to 25 , and a Great-Grandmother to 19. And I am sometimes stressed over being a Mother of TWO teenagers!! Gosh, I feel weak! I think that is it, she was my symbol of strength!! A woman of substance....

Unfortunately, we all experience death. Whether it be a parent, a grandparent, a sibling, a child, a dear friend or even a beloved pet. It is the hardest thing in life that we all will have to experience. So to all of you, that have had to ever feel that gut wrenching, knot in your stomach, pain in your chest, lump in throat feelingof loss....my deepest sympathy!!